“I’ve met this lady through a work-related chat room online, and I think we might have taken things too far. There haven’t been any sexual conversations, but I look forward to talking to her every day, and have pushed away my girlfriend a few times now to talk to her instead. I really love my girlfriend, and yet… What should I do?”
You’re not alone in your confusion, and I appreciate your ability to be honest in this situation – it can’t have been easy.
Kudos to you for taking the first step!
I’d say just from your (lengthy and edited) email that your girlfriend might be really upset with your behavior, and yet unsure as to what’s really going on. That sixth sense we all have when something’s up, perhaps even feeling like she’s crazy for thinking you’re pulling away. And yet, you clearly are if you’d rather chat with an online buddy than her.
While you’ve yet to actually, physically meet this person, I’ll hazard that there’s a strong connection. While I love the Internet for all that it entails, there are some things that make life a bit more challenging when it comes to meeting people. Time dilation (thinking less time has passed than actually has, like losing a few hours playing a game or chatting with someone) and assumed familiarity (because there’s no actual person in front of you, the filters or barriers lessen, and we share things we’d normally only give out freely to a close friend) play a big role.
What does this mean for people worried they’re having an online affair? You’ll invest more time online than you likely would in person to get to know someone, and you’ll say things you’d never say to a random stranger you met at an event or in line at the supermarket.
As an example, many women I talk to both in person and online tell me stories of The Guy Who Shows His Off His Junk. Sadly, this isn’t just one guy, but rather thousands of gents that somehow believe showing off their private parts to a complete stranger will somehow move them towards sexual intercourse. Now, if I were in front of them at a singles event, would they pull down their pants to show me? Of course not. This is time dilation (because of the sheer investment of time it takes to go through people’s profiles and pictures) and assumed familiarity at its best/worst.
I realize this doesn’t really help you though – you’ve likely just met someone, started talking to them online, and then slowly realized over time that you enjoy their company, even prefer it sometimes to your girlfriend’s. It happens. What I am saying though is that what you feel isn’t real, or at the very least, isn’t based in reality. While your neurons are firing and you feel flushed and excited to talk to this person (definitely real) the actual connection you’re basing all of this on has its foundations in fantasy-land. It may well translate into the real world (RL, for most people in chat rooms), yet more often than not it doesn’t. Just like with online dating, there’s no way to see someone’s bad habits, annoying quirks, dealbreakers, or whatever other “bad” things exist. We all have these things, every single one of us – but you’re only able to see them in your girlfriend right now. I’ll hazard that six months with this person online will have you exactly where you are right now with your partner, provided you even make it that far.
So instead, I’ll ask you this: what is it about this person online, this experience, these feelings, that you’re missing, lacking or otherwise need from your girlfriend? Has the sex dwindled, the intimacy faded, the romance disappeared? If your relationship was strong, I’d say it would be almost impossible to “cheat” with someone you’ve met online, so there’s obviously something missing. Take a cold, hard look at what that might be. Do you know your relationship has reached its end point and are just using this online thing as a passive aggressive way to escape or end things? Are you merely bored or lazy, and stopped investing in the bond with your girlfriend, using that time and energy instead for your online gal?
You know deep down where the issues lie and the answers need to go. I’ve obviously omitted any sort of sugar coating, because this is serious stuff. The thing is, you know already. You know if it’s just a matter of cutting off contact with the online “affair”, and taking all of that newness to inject into the bond with your partner. You already know if this is a question of honesty, escapism, courage or a soulmate bond. What you’re struggling with is what to do, especially while in the throes of the heroin-like falling in love period (that is fleeting for all of us).
Here’s what I suggest: cut off all contact with the person you’ve met online. Block, delete, do whatever you need to so that you cannot contact them and vice versa. Focus on your relationship with your girlfriend and see if it has a chance to succeed, or if it’s time to break up. Let that relationship float or sink on its own minus the complications of any other involvements. Commit yourself wholeheartedly to this pursuit, and you’ll know soon enough what to do and what the answer is… then you just need courage to do it.
