“My partner is a physically active, very healthy 56 year old man. We have been together for 1 1/2 years. He has delayed ejaculation and I’m afraid it’s going to be the end of our relationship.
He can’t orgasm through vaginal penetration unless it is through the rear entry position, and even then, it is almost non-existent between us. He can orgasm most of the time through manual stimulation and once in a while through oral sex, but it takes an extremely long, long time.
He says, “He never had this problem before”. I doubt it, but I want to do what I can to help. He has become frustrated, irritated, and resentful of the situation and is at the point where he doesn’t even want to have sex with me and he thinks he wants to end our relationship because of this.”
Even though we don’t read about this much, you aren’t alone. Research considers delayed ejaculation a rare problem, but in my experience speaking with thousands of men and people who have sex with men, it comes up a lot. Because it runs counter to our stereotypes of male sexuality we might not talk about it all that much but many men take longer to ejaculate and orgasm than their partners would like.
Of course one of the key questions is: who is this a problem for? I’ll get into that more below, but for now I’ll outline some of the things I’d be thinking about in this situation.
When he says he has never had this problem before, I’m not sure why you doubt him. I’m also not sure whether he means that it didn’t take this long to orgasm or if he means he’s always taken this long but you’re the first partner for whom it’s a problem.
In any case the very first thing he should do is get a complete physical (if he has access to healthcare).
The penis is an amazingly sensitive part of the body and if there has been a change in his sexual response related to the penis it could be an early warning sign of something going on in his body that has nothing to do with the penis or sex.
I would encourage him to talk to his doctor about what’s happening and his doctor may want to send him to a urologist.
I don’t say this to create worry. It’s probably not something else. But if it is something physiological, the truth is that there’s no amount of working on this problem that will change it, so it’s best to find out if there are physiological issues contributing to or causing this delayed ejaculation.
Keep in mind that sexual sensitivity is in some ways like other kinds of sensitivity. Our bodies can get used to a level of stimulation and then come to expect it, almost require it.
If I’m used to brushing my hair one way, doing it another way doesn’t feel right or satisfying. I might even say that my hair isn’t brushed until I do it the way I want and expect.
Of course from an outsider’s perspective that might sound silly. There are hundreds of ways to brush hair. In fact my partner might not even like the way I do it and might think they have a better way. And yet I won’t feel satisfied unless I get the experience I expect.
What I’m describing isn’t just intellectual. In fact it may be entirely unconscious. It is felt deep in our bodies.
Which is one reason why you now find yourself in a situation where he doesn’t even want to try and have sex with you.
It sounds to me like you’re now both very frustrated. It sounds like sex has become a site of anxiety, frustration, a little bit of resentment on both your parts, and for him a reminder of the fact that he isn’t “doing it right” or at least isn’t doing it in a way that is satisfying to either of you.
Who would ever want to choose to do something that will make them feel these things? Sex is many things, but chief among them for adults, sex is one of the last areas of play where we get to explore, to be vulnerable, to laugh and feel good and have fun without there being some big goal (make money, buy a house, accumulate wealth or friends, etc…).
It seems perfectly reasonable that he wouldn’t want to have sex right now. I can’t speak to whether or not the relationship will last, but I would say that if you are both invested in it, if you want it to last, you need to make some changes right away.
Taking A Break From Sex
The first thing I would suggest is that you agree to stop having sex for a bit. Don’t stop being together, sleeping together, being intimate, or touching. Keep all that up (to the extent that it’s part of your life now). But any activity that usually leads to sex you should take a break from. So kissing hello and goodbye is fine. And making out could be fine too, unless it’s something you usually do at the start of sex, in which case take a break.
This break might just be a few days, a week or two, maybe a month, depending on how often you usually have sex and what feels okay.
During this time don’t stop masturbating. In fact if either of you has stopped masturbating, you should take it back up during this time. It sounds like sex is important to both of you and you should both be able to feel good in and about your bodies, feel pleasure, feel release. This isn’t about denying yourselves.
The idea is to take a break from the heavy feeling of expectation and responsibility it sounds like happens when you start having sex. Sexual expectations can really ruin sex, certainly they can take all the fun out of it.
It’s not about reducing intimacy or communication but instead it hopefully creates a bit of space so that hopefully you can both think about and talk about what’s going on.
Exploring The Meaning Of The Sex You’re Having
During this break it would be great if you can each take time to think about what you want from your sex life together. It can be very helpful to do this work with a counselor or therapist, and sex therapists are trained specifically for this kind of work. But you could also each do it with a trusted friend.
Eventually you’ll want to talk to each other, but when sex becomes a problem like this it can often feel like too much to talk to your partner about. This isn’t a failure of the relationship, we all need more than one person to talk to.
Some questions that would be worth asking yourself include:
- What do you expect from your sex life? Don’t think only of frequency and kinds of activities, but how it contributes to the way you feel about yourselves as individuals and as a couple.
- Why is the length of time it takes him to ejaculate a problem? Specifically what kind of problem is it for each of you, assuming your answers may be different to this question.
- How does it make you both feel?
- What would be the “ideal” situation for each of you? Keep in mind that ideals never happen in our sex lives, only in the movie versions of them, but the question is more about getting to where you’d like to end up when you’ve worked through this.
As the partner it sounds like there is particular meaning for you around this and I think it would be good for you to have some time (and support) to unpack this on your own before talking with him.
Changing The Way You Have Sex
If you both agree that it would be nice for him to ejaculate and orgasm sooner, and if you’ve ruled out physical causes, and have made space to explore the meaning you are putting on this problem, giving room to talk about both thoughts and feelings, there’s also a place to try and change the way you’re having sex.
Keep in mind that if either of you is feeling resentful or anxious about having sex, none of these techniques is going to do much. Being creative and “having fun” is meaningless advice if the idea of getting naked is more of a fear or chore than a turn on. But when you can both get to a place where being naked together feels exciting, some of these tips may help.
Positions
You mentioned that he is most likely to ejaculate and orgasm if you are in the rear entry sex position. It would be worth him thinking about why that is. Is it the way the position feels? Is it a position that is most comfortable for his body? Is it that the position facilitates a particular fantasy? There are lots of variations on that position and many other positions besides that one. One fun way to experiment with different positions is to try the sex position game.
Toys
If you haven’t tried them before, introducing a sex toy can, for some men, completely change the rules of arousal, orgasm, and ejaculation. There are sex toys made for men, but a powerful massager, like the Hitachi Magic Wand, would be an interesting experiment in sexual stimulation.
Pace
One of the myths about men and sex is that they are always ready for it, always a single thought away from being completely turned on. This is not the case. It’s possible that the amount of time it takes him to ejaculate isn’t about him slowing down near the point of ejaculation, but instead it reflects his need for longer time at the beginning, to get truly aroused.
Keep in mind that men get erections even if they aren’t fully aroused emotionally and intellectually. So an erection can’t be the measure of his arousal (I know this sounds counter intuitive, but it’s true). If you haven’t tried it before, it might be worth starting off much slower, and with more of a focus on him.
Avoid Overstimulation
Because many men first learn the cycle of arousal, stimulation, ejaculation and orgasm through masturbation, and many masturbate with their hands and no lubrication, men can easily overstimulate the penis to the point where it becomes less sensitive and it requires more stimulation for longer times before they can orgasm. If the sex play you engage in before intercourse involves a lot of rough manual stimulation, you may want to switch that up.
Change The Routine
Any of us can become somewhat bored or disinterested when an activity that was once fun becomes routine. If your sex is always the same, try to change the order of things. Change who does what to whom, and when. Make sure you have lots of tools at your disposal (creativity, sex toys, lube, if you enjoy watching it, porn) and see if you can’t find a completely new way for each of you to feel turned on and to climax.
I hope That Offers A Few Ideas To Start
I really appreciate that you’re already doing the hard work of reaching out and trying to figure this out so that you can continue what sounds like a good relationship. I think the work you’re doing now is an important way of showing that you care about him and the relationship. I hope that in the midst of the conflict you both can feel good about that.
